you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize