This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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