apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize