speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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