I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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