Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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