Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize