If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
