I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
