Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
