i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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