There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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