'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
