If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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