I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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