Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
