i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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