Jerry, you need to find god
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
