How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
