Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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