No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
