At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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