Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Randomize
