i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
