Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I want to fling myself into the sun
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
