was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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