a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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