You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
