Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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