Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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