saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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