Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
