Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
