i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
