So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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