saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Four minutes until I can fart!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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