Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
