You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
