Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
