grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So much rum. So many feels.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
