**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize