i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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