When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
