Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
