Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
