i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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