someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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