she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
