Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
