I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
