You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
