I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I could make wine with my vomit
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Randomize
