if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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