I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
