The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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