You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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