And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
