If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
you had me at cake vodka
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
