I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
